A Very Special Kingdom Hearts Christmas Special
by Wolf McCloud-123
Summary: Well, this is something different! A parody of all those Christmas specials on around this time of year. I hope you enjoy it, even if you're not celebrating Christmas. Please R&R.
1. Yuletide Merryment

_A Very Special Kingdom Hearts Christmas Special_

A/N: Well! It's that time of year again! Time for the Christians to celebrate Christmas, the Jewish to celebrate Hanukkah, the selective African Americans to celebrate Kwanza, and other people to celebrate other things! If you're an atheist or scientologist… have a fun December.

So, so, so, I decided to try something new for a change! It's kind of a parody of all those Christmas specials on around this time of year, and also there will be like… little story-lines in between, varying from character to character.

I hope I don't lose track!

qpqpqp

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At the risk of being like those corny descriptive authors, let's say it was snowing lightly in the middle of a fairly cloudy day. Now let's say that it was below freezing, even though it's an island, and islands are generally tropical and humid and very, very warm, even in winter.

Then again… Square doesn't seem to have much logic, does it?

Anyway, on this snowy, cold, islandy winter day, people were out in the convenience stores and the Bargain Wall™ Super Centers, buying and spending and so on, all for family and friends.

And other people, like… well, you know!

"If we're on an island, how come it's snowing?" Sora asked with an appropriate 'wtf' look.

"Because it just _is_," Riku explained. "Like, you know… it's just the way things work."

"But technically it'd be like, seventy degrees in the winter normally!"

"Well this year's not normal."

Sora thought about this, then just shrugged. "Okay!"

They continued walking down the particular aisle in the Bargain Wall they were in, looking at the different girly junk that abounded on either wall.

"So… what do you think we should get Kairi?" Sora asked.

Riku made a face. Then he shook his head. "Why don't you pick? You're the one who takes the credit, anyway…"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Prove me wrong!"

"Well, there was that time we got her _Eragon_…"

"Yeah, well, that's only because you were ashamed to admit that you helped get it." He chuckled. "But man, the look on her face was priceless…"

Sora pouted slightly. "Okay, just… just get her a Barbie or something…"

"I'm sure she doesn't want one."

"Then what would she like?"

"Umm… hmm… I've never thought about it. She used to like dolls and all that crap."

"Yeah…"

They put their heads together, and after about ten minutes of brain-storming and several people passing them with concerned looks, they finally snapped their fingers.

"She likes revealing dresses!" Sora said rather loudly, causing a nearby mother to cover her son's ears and walk off quickly.

Riku smacked him. "No, genius; she likes jewelry!"

"Nuh-uh!"

_Meanwhile…_

"Bah! I hate Christmas!" said Donald (nah, Scrooge McDuck would've been cliché and such. So, I'm using his nephew!), crossing his arms as the other inhabitants of Disney Castle looked at the decorated Christmas tree in the middle of the room.

"Gawrsh, how come, Donald?" Goofy asked.

Donald glared ahead stoically for a few seconds before replying, "Every year, those vicious, horrible nephews of mine ruin Christmas for me!"

"Aw, but you can't stay mad at those lil' guys for long, can you? A-hyuck." He put an arm around Donald's shoulders and pointed at the three duckling siblings, who were currently looking very, very innocent. I mean, INSANELY innocent.

The duck thought about this. "Yes," he said at last. "Yes, I can. And I am mad at them. I don't think I've had a good Christmas since those little devils were born!"

"Oh, you Scrooge," Daisy chided. "Are you at it again? I keep telling you, your nephews are _not_ out to get you!"

"You don't know that!" Donald said, getting a crazy glint in his eye. "You've never been around when they mess up everything! Why, one Halloween, they tried to kill me!"

"Sure, sure," Daisy said, rolling her eyes.

"You'll see—you'll ALL see! Someday! Somehow! Those little pests will get you, too!"

"Uncle Donald, we'd never do anything to anyone!" Dewy said, looking up at his uncle with puppy-dog eyes.

Donald reeled back. "No! Don't look at me like that!"

"What's the matter, Uncle Donald?" Louie asked, looking genuinely concerned for his uncle.

"You're the matter!"

"You're making no sense, you loon," Hughie said.

"I'm a duck! A DUCK!" With that, he ran off, quacking madly.

Daisy shook her head. "I swear… How could anyone think you guys were evil?"

"Beats me!" the triplets said in unison, shrugging.

_Meanwhile…_

"Hey, guys," Wakka said to Tidus and Selphie, as he walked up to them on this illogically snowy island morning. "What are ya up to?"

"Oh, we were going Christmas shopping," Selphie said.

"Mind if I tag along, mon?" Wakka asked.

"Sure, no problem!"

With that, they entered the Bargain Wall.

"Why do we have to go all the way across town?" Sora complained.

"Because it's the only place where they carry those!" Riku explained.

"What do you think they were arguing about?" Tidus asked.

"I don't know, probably stupid stuff," Selphie said, shrugging.

As soon as they passed those 'unpaid items' things, the devices went off.

"What? But we haven't even bought anything yet!" Tidus said.

"Empty your pockets," the clerk said.

They did so, and found that Wakka had a DVD in his pockets (for whatever reason). Wait… how would he fit it in there? Eh, whatever.

"Oh, umm… I thought I left that in my other pants, mon," Wakka said embarrassedly.

"Either go pay for that or leave," the clerk said, irritated for no good reason.

"I think I'll just leave," Wakka sighed. "I got other stuff to do, you know? See ya, mon!"

"Bye, Wakka," Selphie said.

"See you later," Tidus said.

Wakka turned around and walked out of the Bargain Wall, into the not-supposed-to-be snowy streets of the town. "Oh, well. I can always shop tomorrow!" he said optimistically.

So he went to the local bakery, because he had to pick up a fruit cake for his mom. After he'd done that, he went back to his home where his mom was in the kitchen.

"Ya, mom, I got the fruit cake for you," he said.

But alas! He tripped on a rug and sent the fruit cake flying! Argh! And when it landed, their dog started eating it.

And everyone knows that's horrible! Nobody wants to eat something the dog's eaten. Or, at least, normal people don't. (gives you a suspicious look)

"Oh, Wakka, mon!" his mom said with the same accent. "Look what you did!"

"Sorry, mom," Wakka said.

His mom sighed. "Just… help me clean this up then run off and play with your friends."

"Ya, mom…"

_Meanwhile…_

Kairi walked along the snowy streets of the island, sighing. "Stupid boys, going off and leaving me!" she muttered. "Why didn't they invite me?" She stopped walking, and watched her breath. "I wish I had a friend today!"

As she started walking again, she kicked something: a battered old top hat, with a flower on it. She picked it up and dusted the snow off of it.

"What's a hat doing out on the road?" she asked herself. She decided that that was a stupid thing to ask, or even think about, so she continued walking. But she held onto the hat regardless.

As soon as she got into the residential area, she saw a snowman in a nearby front lawn. It had a corncob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal.

For whatever reason, Kairi decided this was as good as any place to ditch the hat, so she plopped it onto the snowman's head and walked on.

"That was pointless," she said.

"Oh, no it wasn't, Miss," said a voice.

She whipped around. But the only thing there was the snowman. She shook her head and started to walk off again.

"It was very nice to give me this hat, Miss," said the voice again.

"Stop freaking me out!" she snapped, turning around, only to see that the snowman had moved. And it was smiling creepily at her.

She screamed and passed out.

TO BE CONTINUED…!


	2. Christmas Pam

"Okay… so what does Kairi like again?" Sora asked.

"She likes bracelets," Riku said. "Namely, ones that are somewhat gaudy."

Sora gave him a skeptic look. "Well, you would know, wouldn't you?" He laughed at his funny, but Riku slapped him so he shut up about it.

"Do not insult my fashion sense!" Riku snapped. "It's a lot better than yours, anyway."

"Well, at least I don't wear chaps," Sora said. "In fact, I don't think I'll ever wear chaps!"

"You never know," said Riku and they both looked at the camera with thoughtful expressions.

"Anyway," Sora said, "are you sure she'll like these bracelets that look oddly like a Cetra—I mean, CERTAIN person's little bracelet things?"

"She'll LOVE them," said the clerk, leaning over the glass counter. "They're FABULOUS, boys!"

"Thanks, umm…" He squinted at the clerk's name-tag. "Steven."

The blond girl nodded, smiling.

Riku's eyes widened at 'Steven.' "Oh. Well, we'll just be paying for these, then."

After they had left the jewelry story, they decided to go back to Sora's house.

Why? I have absolutely no idea, that's why! …That's a stupid reason. Let's say because Sora's mom makes good cookies.

"Great cookies, Miss… umm… Jones," Riku said, having finished several sugar cookies a few seconds ago.

"Well, I'm glad you like them, Riku," she said, taking another tray out of the oven. "Sora, can you get the cookie cutters for me? I know how you love your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Christmas cookies!"

"Darn straight," Sora said, then rummaged around in some cupboards looking for said cookie cutters. "Here you go, Mom!" he said, handing them to her.

"Thank you, dear."

Riku scoffed. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?" he snickered.

"Hey, you like them too," Sora said with a very serious look, pointing at him accusingly.

"Yeah, I know," Riku replied dejectedly, glaring at the table.

"Sora, I think your Christmas specials are on," his mom said.

Sora squealed with excitement and ran to the living room, where he flung himself on the couch and turned on the television, where indeed whatever Christmas special was currently on. He laughed amusedly.

Riku stared after him.

"Don't you want to go watch that cute little reindeer stop that bastard wizard?" Sora's mom asked, her eyes narrowing when she said 'bastard wizard'. She smiled sweetly. "I thought it was the most consequential Rudolph movie."

"I didn't know you openly cursed, Ms. Jones," Riku said.

"Oh, only sometimes!" she laughed, going back to making the TMNT cookies. Wow! Spell-check ignored the acronym.

_Meanwhile…_

"Bah! Them and their Christmas party," Donald grumbled, covering his head with his pillow in a vain attempt to block out the chorus of Jingle Bell Rock. "Don't they know some people have to get sleep?"

"Well, maybe they don't," said a voice from nowhere.

Donald sat up in bed. "Who's there?" he asked.

"It's me!" said a man in a lab-coat, bursting through his window. He had shackles on his wrists and ankles for no apparent reason. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past!"

Donald pulled his blanket up so that only his eyes were uncovered. "All I see is a crazy person!"

"No, no, no," said the man. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past! I'm here to show you the error of your past."

"What's your real name?" Donald asked, gaining a dubious look.

"It matters not!"

"Your nametag says 'Xehanort'," Donald pointed out.

Xehanort looked at his nametag and ripped it off violently, leaving not only a gaping hole in his pocket protector, but he also got a crazy look on his face as he threw it across the room. "I said it matters not!"

"Okay, okay, don't have a seizure," Donald said.

"Now, Donald Duck—I'm here to show you the error of your past! What made you such a Scrooge to begin with…"

And suddenly, they were on a bright country lane in the middle of winter.

"Here we go," said Xehanort. "Guess which Christmas this is."

Donald saw a small version of himself run down the lane with some of his buddies. "Oh, this is when I was five!"

"Exactly," Xehanort said, nodding. "I think this is what made you bitter about Christmas to begin with."

As Xehanort spoke, the scene changed to that night, and Little Donald opened a package, looking disappointedly at its contents.

"Aww, but I wanted a choo-choo!" he said, tossing the god-awful but thoughtful sweater one of his relatives made aside. He crossed his arms, pouting.

"Oh, Donald, don't say that!" his mother said, picking up the sweater and grimacing at it. "It's… it's lovely!"

"Yeah, right, Karen," Donald's father said sarcastically. "And the scarf your sister made me was the freakin' Mona Lisa of scarves."

Karen glared at him.

"Wow, I never noticed that they hated my aunt Lori so much," Donald said. "They never made it apparent to my small, childish brain."

"Of course not!" Xehanort said. "Parents are like that."

_Meanwhile…_

"Sometimes I wish I was never born, you know?" Wakka said to his dog, Scraps, as he glared at his ceiling. "I just do good to everyone, and they still don't seem to want me around? You know what I mean, Scraps, mon?"

Scraps gave him a sideways look and left the room.

"You, too? Mon, this day is such a drag!" He rolled over and buried his head in his pillow. "I really wish I was never born!"

"Oh? Is that so?" said a voice from behind.

"GASP!" gasped Wakka. "Who's there?" He sat up, and saw a brown-haired young man leaning up against the wall by his door. "Ah! Don't molest me!"

Squall rolled his eyes. "I'm not here to molest you, kid. I'm here to show you what it would be like if you never existed."

Wakka blinked and looked away awkwardly. "O…oh."

"Now, I'm your guardian angel, all right?" he stood up straight and put his hands in his pockets.

"Guardian angel?" Wakka repeated in wonderment.

"Is there an echo in here?" Squall asked. "Yes, guardian angel."

"But why? Why are you doing this?"

"You know what? I really don't know." He sighed. "But, come on." He snapped his fingers, and it didn't look like anything happened.

Wakka looked at him expectantly. "Well, mon? What did you do?" He looked around. "And why are all the colors muted?"

"This is the world without you," Squall said. "And right now you're sitting in Lulu's room."

"Lulu? Who's that?"

"A girl your mom would have had if she'd married that rich guy," Squall explained. "You know, your old rich neighbor, Vlad Whatsisface."

"Oooh, yeah…"

"Lulu's a prodigy. She's an expert at virtually everything; note the differences there, as you are—were—bad at practically everything."

"Wow… What else changed?"

Squall snapped his fingers again, and they were standing outside of Wakka's house. Wakka looked around, then noticed Sora, Riku, and Kairi walking down the road, laughing and such.

"Well, they don't seem too different," Wakka said, shrugging.

"That's only what's on the outside," Squall said. He snapped his fingers once again, and they were standing outside of Sora's house. It was considerably bigger and fancier than it had been, and Sora walked in, waving good-bye to his buddies. "In a world without you, Sora's mom and dad got married. He's the happiest kid in the world."

"Well, he seemed pretty happy to… Wait, why did they get married in the world I'm not in?" He gave an appropriate 'wtf' look, because, really, that's a good question.

"Your dad was a friend of Sora's dad," Squall said. "Since he didn't get married to your mom, and thus couldn't give Sora's dad advice about avoiding children, Sora's parents got married. Happily, I might add. It was the best wedding ever."

"That sounds wonderful. But I'm depressed that it's only in the world where I don't exist."

"Eh, what can you do?"

"I… I don't know…"

"Exactly."

_Meanwhile…_

"Hey, Miss," said a voice. "Wake up! You'll catch your death lying in the snow like that!"

Kairi opened her eyes, and noticed immediately that her clothes were wet. "Oh, dang! What happened?"

"You passed out!" said the snowman.

Kairi screamed, and covered her eyes. "Possessed snowman!"

"No, no," chuckled the snowman. "I'm Frosty. Frosty T. Snowman, to be precise, Miss."

"Wait, as in, _the_ Frosty?" Kairi asked.

"Yep! The one and only," Frosty said, looking very proud of himself.

"Wow!" Kairi said. "Wait… it's still creepy."

"Well, yes," Frosty said, laughing slightly. "I _am_ a sentient snowman. But thank you for putting that magical hat on me, and bringing me to life! This hasn't happened since the 1970's. I'm very grateful."

Kairi stood up, shivering. "Brr! I'd better get home and change… I'm soaking wet!"

"Well, you were out for about an hour."

"An hour? Oh geez…"

"I tried waking you up, but you just wouldn't come to!"

"I need to get home! I need to help Granny bake the Christmas pam!"

"…Pam?"

"Oh, it's picnic ham, but my grandma calls it pam for whatever reason."

Kairi hurried home, with Frosty following her closely. As she opened the door, she looked at him, a sorry look on her face. "Gee… Are you sure you can come in? Wouldn't you melt? It's like, eighty in here."

"Nah, I'll just stay out here. I'm content in the snow, remember? What with me being a snowman and all."

"Oh… right." She entered the house, looked back at Frosty, then closed the door. "Granny, I'm home!"

"What happened, Kenny? Did you get caught up in the snow?"

"My name's Kairi, Granny. And yeah, I kind of did get caught up in the snow."

Kairi's granny came out of the kitchen and put her hands on her old lady hips. "Why are you soaking wet, Missy?"

Kairi stared blankly for a second, then came up with the excuse, "I fell into a neighbor's pool."

"In the middle of winter? Wouldn't it be empty?"

"Well… well, well… there was snow in it, and it melted."

"Wouldn't it be shallow? Wouldn't you have gotten terribly hurt?"

"No, I'm fine, Granny!" She walked past her grandmother. "Now, I'm going to go change, all right? You just keep preparing that pam!"

Kairi's granny narrowed her eyes at the girl. "Fine. But hurry up, we don't have all day."

"Yeah…"


	3. BEWARE!

Sora laughed hysterically as an elf made a bad joke. "Oh, that stupid elf! He wants to be a dentist!"

"I want to be a dentist," Riku said.

Sora shut up. But then he snickered. "You want to be a dentist!"

"Hey, don't laugh! Dentists make good money," he said.

"Okay, okay, Dentist."

They both watched Rudolph walk off sadly after some musical number or other.

"Aww, don't cry, Rudolph," Sora said.

"Sora, he can't hear you, he's in the television."

"What if I yelled?"

"Not even then, buddy."

Sora sighed. "Poor Rudolph…"

"Hey, stupid—I mean, Sora—do you have a strange feeling that all of our friends are having supernatural experiences at this very moment?"

"…No."

"Okay, just wondering."

_Meanwhile…_

"We are now ten years in the past," Xehanort said as they appeared in some hospital. "This is a week before Christmas, and your sister is about to have triplets."

"Oh dang! This is when Hughie, Dewy, and Screwy were born!"

"…Louie."

"Whatever."

"Congratulations, Mr. Duck, you're an uncle!" said some nurse. "But… where's the other Mr. Duck?"

"He's stuck in traffic," Donald said. He entered the room and saw the three precious… eggs… all bundled up. "Aww, they'll be the cutest damn things ever."

"Donald! Don't use such language in front of your nephews!"

"Aww, Lindsey! They're not even really born yet!"

"I don't care, Donald Duck. As long as you're around those kids, you're not going to curse!"

"And look what happened," Xehanort said, shaking his head as if disappointed in Donald.

The duck obviously took offense to this. "What do you mean?"

"From that time on, those triplets were bastards, weren't they?"

"Well… yes." He paused. "Wait, are you saying that, because I cursed in front of them that _one time_, they turned into the spawn of Satan?"

"Yeah, kind of."

Suddenly, they were back in Donald's room. Xehanort moved toward the door.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"I'm going to the Christmas party. It looks fun. And you have fun sleeping, because my job's done." He whipped around and faced Donald with an eerie look in his eyes. "But be warned, Donald Duck! When the clock strikes three, you will be visited by another ghost! And as the bell tolls at five, you'll be visited by yet another ghost! Whoo-oooo!"

With that, he was gone.

_Meanwhile…_

"Mon, this is wack," Wakka said.

"In a world without you, Riku has no little sister," Squall said, pointing through Riku's window, where there was only Riku and who Wakka assumed was his mother.

"Oh, well it doesn't look like he changed much," Wakka said.

Squall sighed. "Well, actually…"

"Riku, I done told you to come home earlier than five!" his mother said with a heavy Arkansas accent. "Boy, if you ain't gonna listen to me, listen to the belt!"

"No! No, I'm sorry!"

"Oh my God! In this world, Riku's mom is white trash!"

Squall nodded, his eyes narrowed. "Yes…" He snapped his fingers. They were now outside of a mansion.

"Whoa… who lives here, mon?"

"Kairi."

"Say huh? Really?" He looked at the polished marble pillars on the front porch. "It's beautiful here…"

"Mm-hmm."

"How could they ever afford this?"

"Well, Kairi's granny became the richest little old lady in the universe by baking and selling award-winning pam recipes to all the rest of the little old ladies in your world."

"Wow… I never would have guessed…" He blinked and looked confused. "But, mon, couldn't she just have done that even in the world where I existed?"

"Well… Not exactly. You see, since Kairi would've had you as a friend, there really wasn't any way that Kairi could disagree to the riches and the buying of this mansion. So, in this dimension, they're happily living here. Also, Kairi's granny married the mayor…"

"Bummer. So is everyone happier in this world?"

"Well, not exactly…"

_Meanwhile…_

Kairi wiped her hands. "All right! The pam's done, Granny!"

"Good! Now run off and play with your little snowy friend while I clean up in here."

"All… Wait, 'little snowy friend'?"

"Why, yes! That nice snowman that came in! He's waiting in the basement."

Kairi made a face and ran down the stairs, only to see her granny's cats cuddling up against Frosty. There was a tiny pool of water forming around his base.

"Mr. Kibbles, Elsa, Fluffy, no!" Kairi said, then scared the cats off by doing some crazy thing like running up to them while waving her arms insanely. "Frosty, are you all right?"

"Oh, I'm fine, Miss," Frosty said, smiling. But his little coal eyes showed an untold pain that he was trying to hide.

Wow! That has to be the least-sensical thing in this whole story! Isn't that funny?

"Let's get you back outside," Kairi said, leading Frosty up the stairs by a stick arm. "And it's getting late. Don't you think we should get you back to your lawn?"

"Oh, I'm sure Little Billy and Tiny Tim won't miss me," Frosty said. He frowned. "They just built me and left me out in the cold. Not that I minded, you know, but it was very lonely just sitting there, with no one to talk to or play with…"

Kairi looked down at her shoes. "Yeah, my friends abandoned me today, too…" She smiled. "You know, Frosty, we have an awful lot in common. How about we go show them that a lonely girl and a lonely snowman can have the best day ever, without real friends!"

"Well, all right! Let's do it to it!"

They jumped into the air like the Power Rangers and left the house.


	4. Riku's Phobia

"Mom, how many more trays of cookies are you going to bake?" Sora asked, looking a little sick of her cookies.

"As many as Santa needs!" his mom said, winking. She went back into the kitchen. "Now, would you boys like some eggnog?"

"…Okay," Sora said reluctantly.

"Yes, ma'am," Riku said. As Sora's mom disappeared behind the kitchen door, Riku looked at Sora, smirking slightly. "You know you wouldn't be tired of the cookies if you didn't stuff your face while watching Rudolph's yeti friend."

"I can't help if the yeti scares me and makes me slightly squeamish!"

"Pfft. Whatever, you wuss."

"Well, at least I'm not afraid of the Tooth Fairy."

Riku narrowed his eyes and picked up the remote. "Shut up."

_Meanwhile…_

"Donald Duck, I am the Ghost of Christmas Present!" said another crazy guy, busting down Donald's door.

Donald woke with a start. "Holy Jesus! Who are you?"

"Umm, I just said I was the Ghost of Christmas Present." He waved his arms around and, in a ghostly wail, said, "Donald Duck, I'm here to show you the error of your ways!"

"Yeah, yeah, you and the other crazy guy," Donald sighed. He looked at the heart-shaped nametag on the guy's coat, and said, "So you're 'Ansem', huh?"

"YES!" Ansem boomed, laughing maniacally.

At once they were down in the hall where the Christmas party was being held. Everyone was bright and merry, including Xehanort who was dancing around the Christmas tree on this jolly holiday.

"Well, they all look like they're having fun," Donald said, almost unimpressed.

"That they are! Minnie and Daisy are singing to Jingle Bell Rock, and Hughie, Dewy, and Louie are planning to prank you on New Year's Eve."

"What? Why not tomorrow?"

Ansem put a hand on the duck's shoulder. "Oh, Donald. Those nephews of yours really aren't the heartless bastards that you describe them as. They really do love you, Donald! They just don't know how to show it."

"Don't know how to show it?"

"They're just kids."

"Pishaw. They've been kids for over thirty years."

"Yes, but they're kids, regardless."

"So what else are you going to show me besides this jolly merrymaking?" Donald asked. "Oh, perhaps something heartbreaking that will change my view of the Christmas season?"

"Yes, how'd you know?"

"…Just a hunch."

They were now outside of an orphanage.

"Oh, great. Are you going to show me the orphans and their horrible Christmas?" he asked skeptically.

"Er—no, not at all! I was here to show you the people working late who couldn't be with their families," Ansem said, slightly taken aback by Donald's sarcasm about the orphans.

Donald was silent for a moment. "Oh," he said at last.

As they entered a nearby Fancy Suits Retailer, Donald saw that there was but a lone clerk working: Pete.

"Pete? But I thought he was banished to another dimension!" Donald said.

"This _is_ that other dimension, Donald," Ansem explained. "In this dimension, Pete is a lonely clerk. I'm not sure you're catching on, but…"

Soon enough, Donald saw a tall, eerily-foreboding woman enter without much notice.

"Gasp! She looks evil!"

"Indeed she is, but we're not sticking around long enough for you to see that," Ansem chuckled, then they were back in Donald's bedroom.

"But that could've been potentially vital information!" Donald said.

Ansem snapped his fingers. "And now you've forgotten it."

"Forgotten what?"

"Precisely. I'll see you at the Christmas party!" He stopped at the doorway and turned around. "Ah, yes—and please give my best regards to the ghost who visits you at five. Good night, Mr. Duck!"

_Meanwhile…_

"Mon, is _everyone's_ life better in this world?" Wakka asked, sitting down on a park bench.

"Well, Riku's wasn't."

"I mean besides him," Wakka said. "I mean, mon, anyone important?"

"I think Riku's fairly important. But, yeah, there _is_ one more person whose life is horrible without you in the world…"

After Squall snapped his fingers (…once more), they were outside an old, run-down house.

"Who lives here, mon?"

"Your dad." Squall cleared his throat. "Rather… your Alternate Universe Dad."

Wakka gasped. "Poppee?" he asked in wonderment. "Poppee lives here?"

"Yes."

They entered the house, and noticed right away that it was filled with hundreds upon hundreds of cats.

"Ew," Wakka drawled.

"Yeah, cats are pretty gross, aren't they?"

"This… this is horrible!"

"I know," Squall laughed. He gained a straight face. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. That's not funny at all."

"I feel like crying, mon!" Wakka said in a high-pitched voice.

"Oh, get a hold of yourself. What are you, fourteen?"

"Yes!" Wakka wailed.

Squall patted him awkwardly on the back. "Er, there, there, don't cry. It's just an alternate universe, you don't live there. So, technically, it's like it never happened!"

"Yeah, I guess you're right, mon."

"But, would you like to see what happened to Tidus and Selphie, anyway?"

Wakka sniffed pathetically. "O-okay. But then, will you take me home?"

"Yeah, sure."

_Meanwhile…_

Frosty and Kairi skipped down the street, laughing (well, technically, only Kairi did, because she was the only one with legs).

"Oh, Frosty! Today's been great!"

"I agree, Miss!" Frosty said, laughing heartily.

"I don't want this day to ever end…"

"Alas, sunrise, sunset, Kairi—quickly fly the years," Frosty said forlornly. "And tomorrow I will probably melt. But cherish our friendship!"

"But, but Frosty… I won't let you melt!"

Frosty's arms waved, which I assume would be him shrugging. "Eh, that's life for you. Even snowmen have to die."

"No, I'll find a way to keep you alive forever, Frosty!" She thought for a moment, a hand to her chin. "Let's see… Oh! There's a big freezer in the deli. I'm sure Mr. Smith would let you stay there! He's the nicest deli guy ever."

"We'll see, we'll see. But don't be disappointed when I have to leave, Miss. It's the Great Cycle, as hippies call it."

"But I'm not a hippy! And I won't let it happen!"

With that, she dragged Frosty down the road to go and talk with Mr. Smith the deli guy.


	5. End: What Did You Expect?

"Well, I think it's about time we wrapped Kairi's present," Riku said, fishing the bracelets out of the bag.

"What? Isn't the bag good enough?"

"She really doesn't need to know that we got this from a transvestite on the other side of town."

"All right…" Sora sighed. "Let's find a box or something."

"You can use your shoebox, Sora!" his mom called from the kitchen.

"Yeah, that's a great idea!"

"Umm, I don't think so," Riku scoffed. "You have size twenty shoes, and unless you want her to think we bought her shoes for Christmas, then let's not."

"But she'll never suspect a thing!" He glared at Riku. "And I don't wear size twenties." He said, somewhat self-consciously, "They're only fifteens."

"I'm sure your mom has some jewelry boxes she never uses."

"Hey, Mom! Do you have any jewelry boxes you don't use?"

"Yeah, they're all up in the attic!"

"Oh, I guess you were right."

"See? My superior fifteen-year-old intellect solved what your inferior fourteen-year-old intellect could not."

"Oh, shut up, you fruit-cup."

_Meanwhile…_

"Donald Duck!" drawled a very deep, almost forlorn voice, as the door was flung open yet again. Out of the shadows stepped a very depressed-looking man, also with long, silver hair.

"Oh, great, not another one!" Donald sighed, slapping his forehead.

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Future," the man said. "And I'm here to show you what will happen lest you stray from the beaten path!"

"Okay…" He glanced at the nametag of this one, and said, "Xemnas. Just show me what you need to show me and let me on with the night. I've gotten hardly any sleep, by the way, what with your crazy buddies waking me up every three hours."

"It's only been two hours," Xemnas said. He sounded very distant for no reason.

"I know, but geez, if there's any Ghost of Christmas Millennium waiting out there, I'll kill him!" He shook a feathered fist at Xemnas. "Don't think I won't! I'm crazy, I'll do it!"

Xemnas blinked, then raised his arms. They were now in what appeared to be the courtyard, only it was full of death and pestilence.

No, I'm not kidding.

All of the shrubs were dead or dying, and the chipmunks had little festering sores everywhere. (Um, ew.)

"Oh. Well, this isn't what I expected, but it's horrible!" Donald said. He looked up at Xemnas. "But why would this happen?"

"I'm not stupid, duck," Xemnas said slowly. "Through the series of events presented, you shall see."

Next, they were in the bright throne room. Minnie and Daisy were sitting at a table as Donald's nephews ran rampant around the hall, scribbling things like 'skool sux' on the walls and whatnot, you know, general hooligan stuff.

"Stop it, you stupid kids!" shrieked Daisy, throwing a teacup at the boys. Er, ducklings.

"Daisy, don't be so mean to them!"

"Why shouldn't I? They'll never learn discipline if I don't."

"I suppose you're right…"

"So Daisy's a bitch in this future, so what?" Donald said, shrugging. "Bring it on, Mr. Ghost."

Xemnas blinked at him and sighed. "I was saving this for last, but I suppose it's never too late…"

They were suddenly outside, where it was snowing and dark and bleak. It appeared that they were in a graveyard.

"What are we doing here?"

"Honoring the dead," Xemnas said, smiling. Not that it was a genuine, friendly smile, or even a truthful one, either. He pointed slowly at the tombstone they were in front of. "Read the name, will you?"

Donald looked at the tombstone, and said, "It's all cluttered up." He reached down and dusted it off, then reeled back in shock. "Oh my! But it's Jerry Springer's name! 'RIP JERRY, JERRY, JERRY. Killed in action.' What does it mean by 'killed in action?'"

"He was smothered by an obese woman with a fish fetish," Xemnas said. "A true shame. He was an inspiration to white trash everywhere." He looked up with a sigh, and went back to looking depressed. "I guess we're at the wrong stone. Oh, there it is, to the right. All right, read that one."

"Donald Duck—but that… that's me!" Donald said, shocked. "I don't want to die! I want to live! Why did I die? What were the causes?"

"You were a bitter old bastard your whole life," Xemnas said bluntly.

Donald grew hysteric. "But I need to live!"

"Death is part of the Hippy Cycle of Life."

"But I want to live!"

"Amend yourself, and you amend those around you," Xemnas said. "Now go, Donald! Go and do good!"

Donald woke up in bed. "It was… It was all a dream?" He chuckled. "Of course it was…"

"Uncle Donald! Come down for the Christmas party!" said his nephews, busting down the door.

"Yes, the Christmas party! I will my sweet, sweet nephews!" he said, running up to them and hugging them mightily tight.

"Uncle Donald, you're strangling us!" Hughie wheezed.

Donald dropped them like hot potatoes. "I'm sorry… Now go out and get a turkey!" he said, giving the ducklings a big wad of money.

"Wow… okay," said Louie, looking oddly at his uncle.

"Are you okay, Uncle Donald?" Dewy asked.

"I'm perfectly perfect!"

"He's a loon," Hughie said with a nod.

"No, I'm a duck."

_Meanwhile…_

"So, Selphie and Tidus… had a kid, mon?" Wakka said, slightly grossed out by this.

"Yes," Squall said, nodding.

"And Selphie let herself go?"

"Yes."

"And Tidus is a heroin addict?"

"You bet your chaps he is."

Wakka frowned. "I'm gonna be sick…"

"See? Not everyone had it better off. Only the majority of the people on your islands did."

"Hey, mon, you never explained why you helped me like this."

"I told you, I don't know."

"Is that a lie, Mr. Guardian Angel?"

Squall was silent, then sighed. "Yes, it's all a lie. If you want the truth… my girlfriend put me up to it. She said it was good for building character."

"…Ah."

"Now, what have you learned today?"

"That the world would not only be better off without me, but also somewhat crappier for a select amount of people?"

"Yes."

"Well, okay, mon! I wish I lived, I wish I existed, I want to change the lives of everyone I know!"

Squall snapped his fingers, and they were right back outside of Wakka's house. "There you go, kid."

"You mean… I'm back in my own universe?"

"Yep. Now, have fun with your family and friends. And don't worry; they're happy that it's not perfect." He spared a microscopic smile, then walked off down the road.

"Mom, I'm home!"

"What? But it's only been five minutes, mon!" his mom said as he entered the kitchen. "You weren't gone long, you know?"

"I know! I know! And it's wonderful, mom!" He hugged her.

"Mon! What's gotten into you, mon?"

"Life! Life has gotten into me because it's so good, mom!"

"Okay, whatever… mon."

_Meanwhile…_

"Well, Frosty, it looks like you'll just melt after all," Kairi sighed, sitting on the front steps of her house. Frosty was perched on the steps as well. "I'm really sorry."

"Aw, don't be sorry, Miss. At least you tried."

"It's just… you're my best friend, Frosty!" she said, giving Frosty a big hug.

Frosty would've looked at her lovingly had his face been able to show emotion. "Always remember me, Miss. You can do so by purchasing the Frosty the Snowman official Soundtrack from any leading music retailer."

"I'll do that, Frosty, I will! And I'll never forget you!"

With that, they hugged in a very heart-warming way. And for whatever reason, Frosty melted (or, rather, disappeared into a million-billion snowflakes by a slight breeze that had the music of Christmas implanted into it or some weird crap like that) away. Kairi fell to her knees.

"NOOOOOOO!" she said like Darth Vader. Then she stood up and wiped her eyes. "Oh, Frosty…"

And then—and this is weird—a little snowflake drifted in front of her and—I'm serious—_whispered to her_. "_Don't worry Kairi! I'll be back next year! Tee-hee! (dimples)_" and with that, disappeared.

And several-dozen snowflakes fell theatrically around her, as she looked up in wonderment.

As the snow faded away, she smiled sadly and decided to go to the Secret—wait, what am I doing?

I just parodied the entire part with her in the opening movie of KH2.

…

Okay.

"Well, now that that's over!" Kairi said, then skipped off to Sora's house. "Hey, Sora, what have you two been doing all day?"

"Watching Christmas specials," Sora answered, but he didn't exactly peel his eyes away from the television screen.

"Cookie?" Sora's mom asked and held the plate to Kairi.

"Thanks, Miss… umm… Jones." She took a cookie and ate it. Yeah, that's pretty descriptive, isn't it?

I bet it was a good cookie, too.

"Merry Christmas," Sora said, shoving the poorly-wrapped package that contained Kairi's tacky bracelets (shhh! She doesn't need to know until she opens it! It's a surprise!). Sora looked proud. "I wrapped it."

"And I picked it out," Riku said.

"Thanks," Kairi chuckled. Nah. She probably _giggled_.

"So what were you up to all day?" Riku asked.

"Oh, I was just… having fun with a friend," Kairi said, looking warmly into space like Sora did in Kingdom Farce when he was talking about Morpheus. She sighed whimsically.

"Hey mon!" Wakka said, just barging in like it was no big deal. "How's life?"

"Great, thanks," Sora said.

"Why are you so happy?" Riku asked.

"Because I'm high on life, you know?" Wakka said, laughing merrily. "And I'm going to take flight, dressed in red, through the night, on a great big sled!"

"You do that," Riku said, giving Wakka a 'you're so crazy' look. "And have fun."

"Oh, I will! I will!" Wakka said, laughing again, as he ran out of Sora's house.

"What a crazy person," Sora said, shaking his head.

_THE END!_

_Merry Christmas! (or whatever you celebrate, be it Hanukah, Kwanzaa, or… well, whatever you celebrate! I'm no mind-reader)_

…_from Wolf with Love_

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A/N: Oh, yes. It's over! (Twenty-five pages, too… hmm. Coincidence? …No.)


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